Good Inside

Here are some questions to get you started, to ask yourself after any tough moment: What is my most generous interpretation (MGI) of my child's behavior? What was going on for my child in that moment? What was my child feeling right before that behavior emerged? What urge did my child have a hard time regulating? What is a parallel situation in my life? And if I did something similar, what might I have been struggling with in that moment? What does my child feel I don't understand about them? If I remember that my child is a good kid having a hard time . . . what are they having a hard time with? What deeper themes are being displayed underneath this behavior?

The single most important strategy in regard to listening is to connect to your child in their world before you ask them to do something in your world. A child has to feel seen before they're able to switch out of something that feels good to them (drawing or playing with clay, for example) and fulfill a request that's a priority for you (like cleaning up the art supplies). Feeling seen is a powerful bonding tool, and feeling close to someone motivates us to want to cooperate with them. When we verbally acknowledge what our child is doing in the moment, it's as if we're saying, "I see you: you are a real person with real wants and thoughts and feelings." We send the message that we are listening to our child in this moment, which allows them to return the favor and listen to us.